An Article from:
Dads and Daughters. (2007). Five hurdles for fathers . [On-line]. Retrieved February 12, 2007 from http://www.dadsanddaughters
Five Hurdles for Fathers
Every father faces psychological and cultural barriers on the way to full engagement in a daughter's life. We must understand these hurdles to be effective fathers and stepfathers—or to work effectively with fathers and families. These hurdles may seem silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to others. But they are not silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to fathers.
Hurdle # 1
We grew up as boys. We simply have no experience in what it's like to grow up a girl. As one man puts it, "I'm not sure what a father to a daughter is supposed to be, since I was a son."
No matter how much we love them and how much we want to connect, our growing daughters are sometimes a complete mystery to us. From their earliest days, we've asked ourselves "What is she thinking?" Believe it or not, a father can begin finding out what she's thinking, open up communication and improve the connection, but that requires asking for information and guidance. That leads to the second hurdle.
Hurdle # 2
We're Stereotyped. Our culture sees fathers as either invisible, incompetent second-class parents, or as all-knowing superheroes. Most folks (including dads) think mom is best suited to be the primary and most influential parent. One sees that mindset everywhere from the school nurse's office to sitcoms. How often does the school nurse called a sick kid's father at work to come pick her up? Does she have his work number? Watch the sitcom daddy who doesn't know which end of the baby to put the bottle in, or who gags when changing a diaper. That's the stereotype of Daddy as a dummy.
The opposite stereotype pops up in programs like "The Cosby Show," where Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable has a wife, kids, a beautiful house and the rich lifestyle of a high-salary OB/GYN. It's a wonderful, funny show with fabulous examples of family (and fathering) respect and support. But Cliff never seems to go to work or have outside stresses. He's always available; wisely, lovingly and humorously raising wonderful children. No real man gets to live a fantasy fatherhood like Cliff Huxtable, even though many fathers judge themselves by how close to Cosby they come. The tragic murder of Mr. Cosby's son helps reveal how unrealistic this stereotype is.
Hurdle # 3
The Protector Predicament. "The first time a boy comes calling on my daughter, I'll be out on the front porch just casually cleaning my shotgun. Because I was his age once; I know what he's after and I want him to know it." - Tony
Fearing the risks and dangers, we long to engineer a single word or action powerful enough to protect our daughters. If only a shotgun could do the trick! This overprotective shotgun-on-the-porch attitude tells a daughter: "Daddy doesn't really trust me. He doesn't have faith in my choice of friends or my ability to choose good friends. He doesn't believe there are any decent boys out there anyway." It tells a daughter's romantic interest: "This girl's father expects me to be a predator. Whether or not he knows me, if I am calling on his daughter, he sees me as a danger. He thinks that's how all boys are, and maybe how all boys should be. He's also telling me that the way to address fears or solve serious problems is with violence or the threat of violence"
Our fatherly fears are not idle, foolish or unjustified; they are based in reality -- for example, one in three girls (and one in five boys) will be sexually abused by the time they are adults. Some adolescent girls really do get pregnant, catch STDs and encounter other difficulties that last a lifetime. But the source of our fears is not the boy walking up the front steps, and the solution is not the shotgun. The culprit is a culture that glorifies violence against women and girls, romanticizes rape, and counts the pseudo-sexualization of children as an acceptable marketing strategy.
Even before romances start, it's smart to look back into our own adolescence and find the "real boy in there." "Sure, some of it was physical, but most of it was really wanting to be close to a girl, discover what girls are like, have a friend. It was exciting. It was confusing and scary, but it was great! I want to share that with my daughter, the good and the bad, from the boy's perspective. And I can do it, too; she listens to me. I feel like that's a pretty big bit of information, a gift really, that I can give her and that nobody else can. I'll be able to tell her what boys her age are thinking." - Jim
Just as we didn't grow up as girls, our daughters are not growing up as boys. We can share with our daughter our knowledge and expertise about what it's like to be a boy. That's priceless to a girl trying to decode the mysterious minds of the "opposite sex."
Hurdle # 4
The Provider Predicament. Growing up, boys learn that a father's primary role is to provide for his family. That's a good thing to learn. But too many men bail out on that responsibility. And too many of those who stay equate the key word – provider--with their wallets.
It often makes practical financial sense for dad to spend more time at a paying job than mom, since men still earn more, on average, than women do (an ugly, sexist reality). However, this way of living requires a significant trade-off that we seldom openly acknowledge. As one dad puts it: "I realize that I don't have that much of a relationship with Amelia on an internal level, because I work. That's sad, because there's always something you miss. You're always off doing something and you're separated from each other, so you don't communicate like you should. I have a lot of regret that I haven't done enough for her. I haven't been there all the times I should've been there."
Hurdle # 5
The Silence of Our Dads. Who can we talk to about raising a girl (or even about being a father, period)? Women talk about mothering all the time: with their daughters and mothers, with each other, around the water cooler, with relatives, at parties. They always seem to find a place to talk about—and to—their kids. Fathers are more likely to talk with each other about the complexities of baseball free-agency than the complexities of fatherhood. Without fathering conversations, dads don't get much information from each other; and osmosis doesn't work.
What we face is a generational cycle of silence about being fathers, and intelligent people know where generational cycles of silence lead. Many of our fathers were withdrawn and distant from others in the family, absorbed in work, or booze, or exhaustion—if they even stayed around through all of our childhood. This leaves little room for father-son conversation or questions about being a dad. So, compared to what moms usually learn from their mothers, most men are flying blind from the day their child is born.
Meanwhile, the way our fathers did things sometimes doesn't seem to make sense today. Here's another father's voice: "How do I do this? There isn't anyone here to show me what to do and the roles are all different now—both their mother and I work full time. Am I being too wimpy? Too rigid? Am I just trying to win the argument or do the kids really need to know that I sometimes know what's best? How are they going to make it unless I lay down the rules? But laying down the rules doesn't teach them to think.
Of course, that's the potential upside to all this old blindness and uncertainty. Today, men can create new ways to father – and many men (especially younger ones) do. They break the Silence of the Dads and starting talking to their kids and to each other about how they're playing this gig. This is actually exciting for them and their families!
Adapted from The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Being an Expectant Father by Joe Kelly and used by permission.
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